Autumn Night

I was poking around looking for a blogging site. I logged into one of my old WordPress accounts, and found some sloth videos. The format was more than I was looking for - I just wanted something straightforward and simple. I was reminded of Blogger here, and then that I had a Blogger account. And then I found this old blog!

Ten years (nine years and 11 months)!!

I'd been a junior then a senior in college.

I skimmed some older posts, felt the bittersweet memories of that time and all the untold stories behind the posts, and all the other untold stories.

I often still feel like that person. There is some lingering overlap, but it's been a busy 10 years of growth and of life.

I walked away from the one person who really knew the real me and who rejected me and called me a monster (mom, ouch). I found someone who could see the real me and delight in her - I married him last year and now we are expecting our son.

I've faced demons, learned how to work, grown a home, conquered fears, and found moments of pure love and of pure joy. The smile on my husband's face is everything to me in those moments.

I've also deconstructed myself, transformed, found old versions - and now I'm ready to create.

As he lept
He had no idea it wouldn't work.
And as he fell into my arms
His only thought was to leap again.

I am at a certain crossroads in my life. I have felt like this before, but not in the way I do now. I have often felt I suppose like I was at a junction, where I may or may not miss my turn, but I was certainly missing out on something. I did this with little thought of my past or of my future; there was certainly little to no commentary taking place about my values, beliefs or anything of that nature.

Now that I have gone through college, this constant process has changed. It is now much more than some nameless urge pushing and pulling me; now I am becoming aware. I am becoming self-aware of my past, of things that have had influence and that will influence my future. This is, I am sure, something that others may go through much earlier in life, and this is a whole other topic of discussion. My point here and now is that I am realizing so many things that perhaps I've missed out on, or didn't bother to notice or just didn't understand.

I am looking back on how I've become who I am today; who I've been since my late teens, and who I hope to become over the next 10 years. I've stumbled through life with a startling lack or discipline, awareness, consciousness and deliberateness. I'd always felt that one of these things in particular, deliberateness, was the root of all the problems I could ever face. Even this way of thinking wasn't deliberate or conscious; this was more of a feeling that fed, and feeds, a lot of the real fear I still have today. I am not sure how this developed or thrived, but I can see now that this has held me back from most every thing I could be today. Dwelling will only get me stuck again.

I suppose, in examination of this odd ideology, that the 'logic' goes something like this:

1. If I must be deliberate about a lifestyle, for example, than it is not a true reflection of who I really am as a person. The true me will shine through what I naturally and unconsciously choose to do. ~This is something I am still trying to prove wrong to myself, even though it runs a little contrary to other points on the matter.~
   
2. Deliberateness shows a dedication to the meaning behind an action that I might choose to take. If the action I take is a failure or a mistake in someway, such as a social faux pas, I am then a deficient or flawed person. If the action is, rather, not thought out and is not so deliberate, it cannot reflect badly upon me; if I HAD put thought into it, obviously I would not have made this mistake. ~There are many flaws in this theory, though most obviously to me is the fact that it is a cover up for feeling deficient in some sort of knowledge etc... Rather than understanding that I can pay attention to learn what I need to learn to correct a mistake, I instead am trying to cover it up. Also, we are all flawed in many ways, and I need to let go of this need to be perfect - no matter why I feel this way.~
   
3. Being deliberate does indeed show my true self, and I just cannot handle what ever form of rejection is coming my way as a result of my actions. Any good consequences are far outweighed by the slew of bad consequences, and thus my effort is not worth it. Since I do not want to fail when giving my best and truest-to-self effort (this being a failure of my actual self), I decide instead to half-ass something and feel lucky if it works out. Thus, I don't need to be disappointed when it doesn't work out. ~This is the big issue that is in the long process of being disproved through my actions. I am learning through experience that I can achieve things that I put my mind to, and I can learn a great deal from my failures. I finished college, which is a great triumph. I half-assed a lot of it, but I also put my all into a great deal of it.~

So I am learning that I have been just surviving for a great deal of my life. I am not sure when this started, but I know that I am learning to put the breaks on it so that I can actually live a great life. I am learning that many of the anti-values (things I've in someway been taught or have otherwise learned to hate or fear) I've been holding close to heart are backwards. Work, while still a chore, is not something to loath or to fight against. Working hard may or may not earn you the American dream, but it is part of a full a whole life. Thus I can understand both the 'protestant work ethic' and why working hard and getting nowhere can be so discouraging. Those who are lucky, and who I am coming to envy, are those who have found a purpose, whatever it is - as I am still (and have just recently discovered this concept and the journey) on the search for mine.

Beyond work and purpose, I am learning that being deliberate in one's affections and in staying connected to loved ones can be a very rewarding thing. I'd always felt shame and embarrassment in showing both affection and in taking deliberate actions of love towards family in friends. Maybe it is for one of the reasons I've listed above, and maybe its for a reason I have yet to discover. Maybe I can't articulate things that don't have a physical value or my reasons behind such actions. But, I am learning that this has been one of the biggest mistakes.

Through all of this looking to the past, I can better shape my future. I don't have all of the answers, or even all of the queries. What I do have is a starting point.

Here is the hidden entrance in the over-grown fence.













As you can and will see, every easily-reachable inch is covered in paint. Here is a front-view of the building.













And a view of the main entrance.















The graffiti may look trashy, but a lot of it really is art work. I know I can't paint like that with a brush, let alone spray cans.









More risqué yet imaginative and good art work.





















A good face, too bad someone wanted to paint over it.













Tom and I climbed and walked around the outside a little too. We were taking pictures for his new (and handmade) website about abandoned buildings.











A neat little pathway between two huge tanks.













I just thought this looked neat for some reason. It's an opening at the bottom of the tall tank...and Tom climbed to the top...



















...Up this ladder.





















It was a fun time, and I hope to do more exploring when the weather in warmer and I have some time off.

The following is a (very) short story I wrote for my senior (high school) science fiction class 8 years ago. The story had to have 500 words and three characters - one of which had to be a computer of some sort. The only changes I've made in typing it up here have been to correct spelling errors.

***

Suicide isn't easy. I have to give credit to people who have killed themselves, or even come close because I can't even do that - come close. It's not that I'm a stupid person, or clumsy, or lack common sense - I just have bad timing I suppose. I've attempted every way I know how, I just can't get the hang of it. Well, here is one last chance.
I looked up at the water tower, trying to find the ladder. The full moon was bright, so I didn't need a lantern to see. I climbed up the ladder, and sat on the ledge. I pulled out my ankle weights, threw my bag down, and looked for my rope. 'This has gotten too boring' I thought to myself, and apparently out loud.
"What exactly is boring. Killing yourself? Or how it is you've been trying?" It was Maynard.
"Neither. Life is boring, and I'm trying to spice it up." And it's the truth. It's not that I want to die, it's just that I'm tired of living. Maynard just likes to ask questions. "So how did you find me anyways?"
"Lolita, you can't go on living in simulations. You know it's dangerous. So come down here, and we can go home." I couldn't see him, but he sounded upset and concerned.
"No" I shouted as I continued to look for my rope.
"Computers have been shutting off all around the world. In the past month, 10,000 people have died because of it. If we aren't careful, they'll be running things."
"Hmmm" I looked over the side of the tower. "OK, but I'm only coming because I can't find my rope. I think I forgot to pack it." I climbed back down the ladder, and met Maynard at the bottom. "OK lets go look for the door out of here."
Every simulation has a door that is used to exit it. Most of the time, you can just make the door appear by telling the computer, but you can set the computer so that you have to look for the door, which is what I usually set it to. Now, it's hard to determine where the door will be, because the computer picks sites at random. Few people have ever gotten lost.
"You mean you don't know where the door is?" He looked upset.
"Hey! What would be the point in coming in here if the door were right here?" I was getting upset too. "Come on, lets just go." We left the water tower, and took off ini the direction of the woods. Maynard didn't speak unless he was yelling.
"We could be dead at any second! I don't care what you've been taught - these computers have developed a mind of their own."
"Maynard. Calm down."
"What?!" His face was turning red.
"How exactly did you get into my simulation? The only was you can is at my house through the door."
"No...I left my simulation through the door and came right out through the clearing here." Now confusion.
"Well, doesn't that tell you something? There are 3 possibilities from here. 1: either this is real life 2: your simulation is real life or 3: we are stuck in simulations." This is when the computer came on.
"Automatic shut off in 60 seconds. All life forms have 60 seconds to exit through the emergency door in front. If they do not exit, life will be terminated." The door appeared.
"Finally!" Maynard had started to cry. We got to the door, and ran through with out looking. In front of us we saw the water. Thats when the countdown began.
"End in 10 - 9- 8..."
"Oh fudge!" I began to cry also. The door disappeared behind us.
"...2 - 1 - end" As those words finished, we felt the blast, and all was gone.

OK everyone, I have posted pictures of my recent trip to Chicago on my Flickr site, so please check them out. Megan, Steve and I had a great time, though we also proved how out of shape we are. Megan and I stopped at a candle store just inside Indiana, and part of the store is a giant candle! (Think the Longaberger Basket Building in Newark, though not quite so massive) We also saw some wind farms along the way - it's nice to know that these things are really going up. We made it up to Steve's in about 9 hours since we made many stops. Saturday, after breakfast at IHOP (I so want one here at home!) we went out to the Morton Arboretum, which sadly puts Daws to shame. They have a Japaneese garden, like Daws, but they also have a Chineese and a Korean garden as well, among many others. We tried going through the Hedge maze at the end of our walk, but were too worn out to care much about it, we went a quarter of the way in before turning back. So other than that we ate, went out for a drink with Steve's friend Andy, and we watched "Rock and Rolla" and the first two seasons of "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia." A very nice weekend trip if I do say so myself. Check out the pictures!