I am at a certain crossroads in my life. I have felt like this before, but not in the way I do now. I have often felt I suppose like I was at a junction, where I may or may not miss my turn, but I was certainly missing out on something. I did this with little thought of my past or of my future; there was certainly little to no commentary taking place about my values, beliefs or anything of that nature.
Now that I have gone through college, this constant process has changed. It is now much more than some nameless urge pushing and pulling me; now I am becoming aware. I am becoming self-aware of my past, of things that have had influence and that will influence my future. This is, I am sure, something that others may go through much earlier in life, and this is a whole other topic of discussion. My point here and now is that I am realizing so many things that perhaps I've missed out on, or didn't bother to notice or just didn't understand.
I am looking back on how I've become who I am today; who I've been since my late teens, and who I hope to become over the next 10 years. I've stumbled through life with a startling lack or discipline, awareness, consciousness and deliberateness. I'd always felt that one of these things in particular, deliberateness, was the root of all the problems I could ever face. Even this way of thinking wasn't deliberate or conscious; this was more of a feeling that fed, and feeds, a lot of the real fear I still have today. I am not sure how this developed or thrived, but I can see now that this has held me back from most every thing I could be today. Dwelling will only get me stuck again.
I suppose, in examination of this odd ideology, that the 'logic' goes something like this:
- If I must be deliberate about a lifestyle, for example, than it is not a true reflection of who I really am as a person. The true me will shine through what I naturally and unconsciously choose to do. ~This is something I am still trying to prove wrong to myself, even though it runs a little contrary to other points on the matter.~
- Deliberateness shows a dedication to the meaning behind an action that I might choose to take. If the action I take is a failure or a mistake in someway, such as a social faux pas, I am then a deficient or flawed person. If the action is, rather, not thought out and is not so deliberate, it cannot reflect badly upon me; if I HAD put thought into it, obviously I would not have made this mistake. ~There are many flaws in this theory, though most obviously to me is the fact that it is a cover up for feeling deficient in some sort of knowledge etc... Rather than understanding that I can pay attention to learn what I need to learn to correct a mistake, I instead am trying to cover it up. Also, we are all flawed in many ways, and I need to let go of this need to be perfect - no matter why I feel this way.~
- Being deliberate does indeed show my true self, and I just cannot handle what ever form of rejection is coming my way as a result of my actions. Any good consequences are far outweighed by the slew of bad consequences, and thus my effort is not worth it. Since I do not want to fail when giving my best and truest-to-self effort (this being a failure of my actual self), I decide instead to half-ass something and feel lucky if it works out. Thus, I don't need to be disappointed when it doesn't work out. ~This is the big issue that is in the long process of being disproved through my actions. I am learning through experience that I can achieve things that I put my mind to, and I can learn a great deal from my failures. I finished college, which is a great triumph. I half-assed a lot of it, but I also put my all into a great deal of it.~
So I am learning that I have been just surviving for a great deal of my life. I am not sure when this started, but I know that I am learning to put the breaks on it so that I can actually live a great life. I am learning that many of the anti-values (things I've in someway been taught or have otherwise learned to hate or fear) I've been holding close to heart are backwards. Work, while still a chore, is not something to loath or to fight against. Working hard may or may not earn you the American dream, but it is part of a full a whole life. Thus I can understand both the 'protestant work ethic' and why working hard and getting nowhere can be so discouraging. Those who are lucky, and who I am coming to envy, are those who have found a purpose, whatever it is - as I am still (and have just recently discovered this concept and the journey) on the search for mine.
Beyond work and purpose, I am learning that being deliberate in one's affections and in staying connected to loved ones can be a very rewarding thing. I'd always felt shame and embarrassment in showing both affection and in taking deliberate actions of love towards family in friends. Maybe it is for one of the reasons I've listed above, and maybe its for a reason I have yet to discover. Maybe I can't articulate things that don't have a physical value or my reasons behind such actions. But, I am learning that this has been one of the biggest mistakes.
Through all of this looking to the past, I can better shape my future. I don't have all of the answers, or even all of the queries. What I do have is a starting point.